Ghost Hotel2
by Major Grai
Summary: Just for laughs. VERY silly. Sequel to 'Ghost Hotel'. Essentially the Volturi show up for a visit and find out about Carlisle's unusually large coven and the ghosts. The Volturi sorta get ambushed by the ghosts and Emmett gets the whole family to help.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight… but I do own the plotline! Take that writers block!**

**Basic Summary: The Volturi shows up for a little visit and they get ambushed by the ghosts (mainly Henri Thomas) And Harriet **_**will **_**provoke Jane by pulling her hair. I will enjoy writing that scene!**

**I'm taking a request from a reviewer. There is some Father/Children bonding time in this story. And I am making this one as long as I can.**

Chapter 1

I sat there looking out the window at the rain. I sighed at the familiarity. Bella and I had decided not to go to high school this year. We had decided to get familiar with the married life and get to know my children a little better.

And besides, Esme needed help running the hotel. Catherine of course did a lot of work but she and John Lawrence had gotten married the month before. The hotel did, as Carlisle had said make life more interesting with ghosts running around.

"Hi dad!" ghosts Alice said smiling. She and ghost Edward had long since went back to being half human half vampire. No longer ghosts. But I still called them ghost Alice and ghost Edward. As well as little Alice and little Edward. They hated those nicknames almost as much as Edward 2 and Alice 2.

We had also discovered Alice's curious gift of talking to animals and Edward being able to see the past. Not like my mind reading he could see the events not the minds. He could even see Bella's. I was slightly jealous but he showed it to me in his head sometimes and we teased Bella about.

"Hi. What have you been up to?" I asked smiling too. Her smile was infectious I had learned only a few days of living in the hotel.

"Oh Helen got the TV fixed and is forcing Master Lawrence to watch _Battlestar Galactica_ with her," she answered. It was no surprise. Helen loved that old TV of hers and forced people to watch old television series from back when she had been human.

"How many times has he tried to sneak out?" I asked.

"Six."

I heard a shout from upstairs. "I can't believe I'm having try and sneak out of my own home!" it was clearly John.

"Fine if you wanna have prison break ghost hotel style we'll watch something you can relate to!" Helen shouted back.

"Wait! What? What are you talking about?" I could hear John demanding. "Oh, God you are not going to make me watch that television show where the guys try to break out of jail are you?"

"That is exactly what I'm going to do! And it's called _Prison Break _by the way," Helen said proudly. Then she sighed dreamily and said in equally dreamy voice, "Michael Scoffield."

"Looks like there's a hostage situation up there for Catherine to deal with," I mused.

Ghost Alice started laughing loudly.

"Not again," we heard Catherine moan.

"So what would you like to do today?" I asked.

"I don't know. I doubt Jasper would let us in his study after last night," she mused.

I smiled as I remembered last night. We were looking at two books and couldn't decide which one to read so we picked a good decider: flipping a coin. While the coin flipped it rolled under the bookshelf. I picked up the corner of the bookshelf so my daughter could go and get when Henri Thomas thought it would be an excellent idea to sneak up behind and scare me. I dropped the bookshelf. It nearly landed on ghost Alice so I grabbed it and threw it aside. But, of course all the books fell off and in stormed Jasper.

"Henri Thomas _is_ a pest," I mused quietly.

"Are we making a vengeance plan?" ghost Edward asked as he walked in.

"Yes we are!" ghost Alice said excitedly.

The rest of the day was spent planning and reviewing and editing the plans. Even Bella had come over and made suggestions. Esme gave us guidelines, limits and even a few suggestions. Henri Thomas had switched her cleaning products with paint that matched the colors of the products. Needless to say she wasn't pleased.

Suddenly Alice burst through the door panting wildly. Her thoughts were a jumbled mess. I tried and failed to make sense of them.

"Alice are you ok?" Esme asked worried. Everyone else in the room looked curious and confused. The rest of my siblings entered the room but Alice stayed in the doorframe panting like a dog on a hot day.

"Alice what is it? Alice? What is it Alice?" I demanded. Where was Jasper when you needed him?

All she managed to gasp out was, "The Volturi."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: SM owns it all**

**A cure for writers block is needed!**

Chapter 2

"_What? What is it Alice?" I demanded. All she managed to gasp out was, "The Volturi."_

"What do you mean?" I demanded.

Jasper sat down on a couch and started calming her.

"They're coming over for a surprise visit. Caius is convinced that the reason that they haven't heard from Carlisle in so long is because he is making an army to over through the Volturi," Alice said as calmly as she could.

"They won't find anything, right?" Henri Thomas said putting his head through the wall.

"Oh, of course they will! We have a whole_ army_ of sadistic vampires hiding in the basement!" Alice snapped sarcastically.

Henri Thomas shrugged and walked all the way through the wall.

"We _do_ have an army!" Jasper suddenly moaned.

"We_ do_?" ghost Edward and ghost Alice asked at the same time.

"Of ghosts!" Jasper stated.

"I don't think they'd be that upset if we had an army of ghosts," I said.

"But Caius would twist it any which way he could just to get rid of us!" Alice moaned. "After all we have Bella now and Edward 2 and Alice 2," she said using their least favorite nicknames.

Emmett sat down on one of the couches and said, "Who should call Carlisle?"

"I'll do that!" Esme said and she grabbed the phone. I hadn't even heard her walk in. I was already wondering what they could possibly want!

She explained quickly and quietly to Carlisle while Alice paced.

"They might want to recruit some of us!" she said making me jump and suddenly more nervous. "I mean," she continued "Alice _can_ talk to animals and Edward _can_ see the past and no one can block him out. Edward's gift would be more important to the Volturi but Aro will find _all_ of it 'fascinating!'" she added sarcastically.

"Carlisle will be home soon," Esme told us. We all nodded and started to wait.

The other ghosts came in to see what was going on. Mr. Jones had checked out. As well as Mathew and Malcolm who planned to return this summer. Eliot Hobbs and Calvin Watterson checked in along with Miley and Luanne, a vain ghost who was still overly obsessed with her appearance.

Carlisle pulled up the drive and ran into the house.

"What is going on?" he demanded.

"The Volturi are coming," Alice said flatly.

"When?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"Why?"

"They're convinced that we are hiding an army of vampires so that we can over through them," I answered this time instead of Alice.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to show them that we're not," Carlisle said slowly.

"It will work. But we will have to tell them about the ghosts," Alice said.

"Why?" Jasper asked.

"Because Caius will try to convince his brothers that we have humans over every day and that they know," Alice said in an irritated tone.

"What will be their reaction?" Catherine asked her English accent less noticeable then usual.

"It's hard to tell but I'm sure we can guess," she said grimacing.

"What do you mean?" John Lawrence asked.

"Well Aro will think it's all so _fascinating_! Marcus will be slightly curious but otherwise indifferent. And Caius will think there's an alternate motive," Alice said all in one breath. She grimaced and then sighed.

"So we'll just have to wait and explain," Carlisle said.

We all- even the ghosts –sat in the living room waiting anxiously for the morning to come…


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: don't own Twilight. But I own it in my mind. Yes I did in fact write that…**

**Thank you for reviewing! This is bit of a filler so I will upload the next chapter (the one where the Volturi show up) in a few minutes. If I don't I'm sorry I post as soon as I can.**

Chapter 3

_We all- even the ghosts –sat in the living room waiting anxiously for the morning to come…_

"So," Henri Thomas said breaking the long silence at 2:15 AM. "What are they like?" he asked. You didn't have to be a mind reader to know what he was getting at. He wanted to know how far you could go pranking them.

"You can't," I said flatly.

"Why not?" Emmett moaned.

"Because they'll take it the wrong way and try to kill us," Alice snapped. She had been concentrating hard all night.

"Wait! _Try_? _Try_ to kill us? They'll _try_?" Henri Thomas said. He and Emmett were grinning from ear to ear.

"Please do not even _try_ thinking about it," Carlisle said with a sigh.

"We need a plan," Jasper said as he stood up and walked over to the window where Carlisle stood looking out into the forest. "I mean on how to tell them."

"I think the ghosts should stay at the back of the house until we introduce the fact that we are running a hotel. We'll bring up the hotel after I introduce everyone," Carlisle said calmly. He turned around and gave the hardest look he could to Henri Thomas. "Is that clear?"

"Crystal," Henri Thomas said flatly.

"When will they know to come out?" Esme asked.

"Bella bit me so I have advanced hearing," Catherine said. "I'll know. And not before," she said glaring at Henri Thomas who shrunk under his mother's gaze.

We were all hungry for distractions so we ate up this one like there was no tomorrow.

"How does that work?" Carlisle asked.

"When I'm ready to go on I won't be able to. I'll just become a vampire. Bella and I were discussing it the other day. I think she was a vampire ghost and I'm ghost vampire or something like that," Catherine explained. She was smoothing over her old dark blue sixteenth century dress that she always wore

"Did you bite anyone else?" Carlisle asked Bella.

"No. But Catherine bit the twins so we'll never get rid of them," she said faking a shudder trying to lighten the mood.

"Hey!" Henri Thomas said feigning hurt. "She also bit Harriet, Master Lawrence and Helen. So for John it shall be all of Helen's shows for the rest of eternity!" he crowed making John shutter involuntarily. I couldn't help but smile a little.

"What time is it?" Rosalie asked impatiently.

"Around 2:45," Alice said. "Bella can you let me dress you?" she asked. Her stress lessened at the prospect.

"No!" Bella shrieked. She jumped on to my lap trying to get away from Alice.

I laughed pulling her tighter against me. I looked into her eyes and immediately forgot about everything but my wife. "I love you," whispered softly.

"I love you, too," she whispered back.

"Bella!" Alice moaned.

"I'm sorry I can't subject myself to that torture," Bella told Alice.

"Can't you please just for this once?" she said giving Bella puppy dog eyes. "It will help with my stress."

"Fine," Bella groaned pulling herself up reluctantly. Alice was already jumping up and down. She was excited beyond belief. Alice half dragged Bella upstairs.

I could hear Bella groaning every few minutes. I considered rescuing her but I would be insane to subject myself to Alice's anger. I then started to wonder who was more dangerous. Alice or the Volturi?

I heard Bella moan again and I decided to save her from Alice.

"Don't you dare! Don't even think about it Edward Cullen!" Alice shrieked at me from upstairs. I sighed. I was defeated before I had begun.

Bella was suddenly sitting on my lap. She looked beautiful. I was pulled into her eyes almost at once. I forgot what was going on around me until Alice spoke.

"What time is it?"

"Around 6:15," Carlisle said looking at his watch.

"They'll be here at 9:00," Alice said and started to tense. We phoned the school at around 8:00 to tell them that we would not be there for a few days. Same with Carlisle and the hospital. It seemed right just in case the Volturi decided to stay longer then planned. I shuddered at the thought.

At 8:57 Alice hissed. All she said was, "They're here."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.**

**This is when the Volturi show up**

Chapter 4

_At 8:57 Alice hissed. All she said was, "They're here."_

The ghosts fled to the back of the house and we all stood up in a straight line. The door opened and in walked the Volturi vampires dressed all in black. There were around 12. They all wore black cloaks except 3 men who wore black robes. From their minds I could tell that they were the leaders: Aro, Marcus and Caius.

The one in the middle yanked the hood of his robe off. This was Aro.

"Carlisle!" he sung out and glided towards him. Two other vampires followed him closely. They were clearly his bodyguards.

"Hello Aro," Carlisle said calmly. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"

"Oh, I just came for a little visit. My, oh my, your coven has grown quite large. Introduce us," he ordered.

"This is my wife Esme. These are our children: Alice and her mate Jasper. Edward and his mate Bella. Emmett and his mate Rosalie. These are my grandchildren Edward and Alice," Carlisle said completely businesslike.

"I hear heartbeats," the called Caius said. "Are you harboring humans?" he asked eyes narrowing.

"No! Of course not," Carlisle said. "We found out some fascinating things over the years and we have a lot to explain."

"Well please do explain!" Aro said immediately fascinated when he said 'fascinating'.

"Well--," Carlisle began but was cut off by a loud scream coming from the other side of the house where ghosts were.

"Henri Thomas!" it was Harriet who was shrieking at the top of her lungs.

Henri Thomas flew right through us. No discression or respect for the fact that no one in front of us knew what was going on. I could kill him again myself!

Henri Thomas kept running right through the Volturi. To say they looked shocked would be an understatement.

As he ran he was muttering, "Sadistic psycho with a baseball bat on the loose."

"Oh, Lord," I heard myself moan.

Just then Harriet flew through us just like him holding a baseball bat. She ran right through them too. She was mumbling, "I'll _kill_ him! I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll _kill_ him!"

"Well like I said we have a lot to explain," Carlisle said breaking the long and awkward silence. All the gaping vampires immediately snapped their attention to him expectantly.

"Around 80 years ago we were here in Forks. We met Bella. She was Edward's singer," he paused as if to let it sink in but he was really trying to figure out how to explain the ghost part. As he continued with the story Aro's eyes widened and his thoughts were a floury of how amazing it was that I couldn't hear her thoughts and how she birthed two half-vampire babies.

When Carlisle was about to start explaining about the ghosts Aro cut him off. "I'm going to need proof. You are in fact a very dear friend but I still need proof."

He held out his hand. Carlisle took it. I saw flashes through his mind. It was ghost Alice and ghost Edward. My children. Bella as a human. He wanted as much information as he could get on my family! How strong we were and what our powers were. He wanted Alice and Bella to join the guard. He started to think of ways to get them– no force them –to join. I was immediately infuriated. A growl in my chest made the guards turned their stare to me warily.

Jasper gave me an odd look and was shooting calming waves over me as fast as he could. Bella put her hand on my arm. She too was doing her best to calm me. I gave her a weak smile and relaxed slightly.

Then I heard Aro's thoughts_. Amazing! She _could_ just be a void to him. But even so I find it simply incredible. I'll try my power on her first then we'll see. _

"Bella I would love to see if my gift would work on you," Aro said turning to face her. She held out her hand nervously.

He took it but got nothing. Absolutely nothing. I smiled a little. Then I heard his thoughts. _I wonder if Jane's power works on her._ _And Dmitri. I wonder if she is a void to his too. I'll try his first._

"Dmitri?" he called out. Dmitri immediately understood and tried his power. It didn't work. Aro took Dmitri's hand and thought.

"Fascinating," he mumbled. "Jane?" he asked. If I was just about to kill a few seconds ago I was inches away from doing it now. Carlisle could do nothing because he had no idea. Aro was trying to do it behind our backs. I was growling none stop now. I was preparing to attack the evil little girl.

Suddenly I felt pain raging through my body. It was not like my transformation. My transformation felt like a pinprick next to this pain. It was Jane's power. Carlisle had told me about her once. I knew what that malicious little girl wanted. She wanted me to scream. I fell to my knees but stared at her. I stared her in the eye.

Everyone was a flurry of movement. Alice and little Alice were trying to hold Jasper back so he wouldn't get that power used on him too. Rosalie was doing the same with Emmett. Bella and Carlisle were shouting at the Volturi. Esme was sobbing. Ghost Edward was searching her past so he could use it against her.

No one saw Harriet. Not one vampire in the room noticed her standing behind Jane. I barely saw her drift up. Ghost Edward whispered something. She nodded. I realized that he saw her too. I couldn't hear what he said. I couldn't hear a thing. I could only see Harriet nod. She grabbed Jane's hair and pulled. She leaned down and whispered to her, "Is your mother still making the bread because you forgot?" Jane's eyes widened and shrieked in anger.

She immediately released me from her power. I sighed in relief. I realized that Harriet had hit a sore spot with Jane. I gave a little smile. Now it was the Volturi's turn to yell, scream and shout.

****_*_*_****

**I hope that was good. I'm nervous that it wasn't long enough. Oh well I really hope you liked it :)**

**Major Grai**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: SM owns it all.**

Chapter 5

_Now it was the Volturi's turn to yell, scream and shout._

"Who the _hell_ are _you_?" it was Caius who silenced the nonstop shouts from both groups of vampires.

"Harriet. And what poor excuse of a vampire are you human-hunter?" she answered sweetly. She was still holding onto Jane's hair.

Of course Caius wasn't as pleased with her answer as she was.

"What is going on here?" Caius demanded.

"They're ghosts," Carlisle said flatly.

"What do you mean ghosts?" Aro asked curiously.

"We _mean_ they're _dead_, gone, no more. They. Are. Ghosts," I snapped.

Aro turned to me and said, "How did you discover them?"

"You interrupted we weren't done explaining," I snarled. I was ready to attack again but I knew Bella would hold me back. She didn't like seeing me get hurt.

"Explain later!" Caius snapped. "Get this ghost off of her!"

A vampire named Felix jumped to the job. He had been having lust-filled thoughts about my Bella so I was looking forward to see how this would turn out. I knew that Harriet would somehow manage to have yelling soon too.

At first Felix tried his best to remove her gently. But when she wouldn't let go and his hands went right through. He started swing his fists at her trying to hit her off. It was of course very sad to see him attempt to knock her off.

Just then Henri Thomas walked in holding the baseball bat that Harriet had been holding. As soon as he saw Felix trying to hit Harriet he was infuriated.

"Hey! What do you think your doing?" Henri Thomas demanded. He looked infuriated. It was no secret the he liked Harriet.

I tried to pick out his thoughts but they were a huge mess. There was no way _anyone_ could make sense of it.

Suddenly he swung the bat hard and hit Felix in the shin. Felix whipped around and swung his giant fist at Henri Thomas. His punch went right though him.

I could hear Catherine coming. I tried to shut everyone up but no one heard me. The Volturi were too outraged to hear anything other then there roars of anger. I looked at Carlisle and Jasper pleadingly. Jasper was doing his best to calm everyone down and Carlisle didn't notice my pleading looks.

Catherine walked through the wall shaking her head. I held my breath. When she looked up it was clear how outraged she was. No one needed Jasper's gift to tell them that.

She ran at Felix at full speed and in one quick movement wrestled him into an arm lock.

The Volturi only started yell louder and in their heads were thinking of the best ways to attack.

"Enough!" Carlisle shouted over everyone else. Every vampire and every ghost fell silent.

"Carlisle my dear friend," Aro said he was slightly nervous now. "Please tell me what exactly is going on."

"We're running a hotel for ghosts," Carlisle answered in the most business like voice he could manage.

"Why? I mean, what gave you such an idea?" Aro asked. He was 'fascinated'. But then again everyone even Marcus who I had been told never cared looked at least a little interested.

Carlisle explained as fast as he could about Bella being a ghost and her meeting Catherine and Catherine wanting to start a hotel. He left out the bit about Catherine being a ghost vampire.

"I would love to meet all the ghosts," Aro said he was excited again.

"You can't bother them," Catherine said. She had released a now flustered Felix and was now standing next her son on the other side of the room.

I shot a look at Harriet and she sighed and removed her hands from Jane's hair. Jane was infuriated. No Jane was far more then infuriated. It was a whole new emotion all together.

"What ever do you mean?" Aro asked drawing me back into the conversation.

"We run a hotel," Carlisle answered he was trying to be as kind as possible to make up for Catherine's rudeness. "Catherine simply wants means that she doesn't want you disturbing the guests."

"Or let the ghosts disturb you," Esme added pleasantly. It was her way of warning them that Helen would force them to watch TV and Henri Thomas would play endless pranks on them.

"Let us talk on the matter," Aro said to Caius and Marcus. They whispered for a few minutes. We too began to talk amongst ourselves

Aro cleared his throat. "We have decided that Caius and I will stay and Marcus will go back to Italy," he said in his unusually happy tone.

"How long will you be staying?" Carlisle asked. Everyone in the family was thinking the same thing: _Just a day!_ Please_ just a day!_

"I was thinking for around three days," Caius replied coolly. From his mind I could tell he wanted to see how we did everything and how big a threat we were.

At that a few of the bodyguard vampires left with Marcus while the others stayed.

The ghosts drifted through the walls and we vampires tried to slip away the best we could without being noticed.

"I would love to talk to one of your more talkative ghosts!" Aro exclaimed excitedly.

As soon as Henri Thomas slid his head through the wall I knew it was going to be good.

"Try talking to Helen," he suggested in his kindest voice. "She might not seem very sociable but she really is. You just have to start the conversation," he said trying to keep his kind face.

"Really?" Aro asked and Henri Thomas nodded. Aro hurried off to find Helen.

Bella pulled me upstairs. We sat on our bed. She pulled my head into her lap and started petting my hair.

"How are you feeling?" she asked me softly.

"I'm fine," I told in her. It pained me to see her in pain. More, so then that vile little demon Jane. She looked doubtful.

"I truly am!" I exclaimed. "Now come! Henri Thomas truly is the devil's associate. I want to see Aro get stuck watching _Alias_ or _Gossip Girl_ with Helen! I wonder what else he and Emmett have cooked up."

She giggled and nodded in agreement. And the two of us rushed off to see the Volturi yell out in anger. At that moment I heard the one called Gianna and Rosalie start screaming at one and other. I grinned.

**That is NOT the end. Not yet anyway. Hope you liked it :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.**

Chapter 6

I pulled Bella into my lap and we sat in the chair in the hallway outside the room Helen was sharing with Harriet and Miley. Aro walked in to the room. His bodyguard named Rennata followed him closely mirroring his every move.

"Hello!" Aro said. His enthusiasm made Helen wonder which TV series she could watch to get rid of him.

"I was told that you were quite talkative. I would love to hear what it's like to be a ghost!" Aro told her. Helen immediately found the perfect torment for Aro. _The Hills_.

Helen didn't really like the show but she could watch it longer then anyone else could. She only watched _The Hills_ when she wanted to torture someone. Which most of the time seemed to be Henri Thomas. With an odd exception of Carlisle when he called _Grey's Anatomy_ unrealistic.

Helen smiled her most innocent smile and invited him to watch some TV with her. He sat down expecting her to start talking but she hit play and started to watch.

I looked down and grinned at Bella. She was doing her best not to laugh. I decided to break up Gianna and Rosalie's fight but Alice sat down next to the chair and said, "Don't Edward. They'll be all right."

We all turned our attention back to Aro who just got snapped at by Helen to sit back down and watch when he tried to leave quietly. We all grinned like lunatics.

By the time the first episode was done we were all shaking in with silent laughter.

"Well. That was quite interesting. I think I'll be leaving now," Aro said.

"Sit," Helen ordered. Rennata looked like she was actually enjoying the show also shot Aro a glare.

Alice, Bella, and I couldn't stop shaking.

"Should we go help him?" Bella asked suddenly causing Alice and I to laugh harder.

I pulled Bella and Alice downstairs to see how Gianna and Rosalie were faring. Rosalie and Gianna were both visibly fuming and glaring at one and other. They were separated by the whole room and had clearly claimed sides. I noticed that Rosalie looked slightly smug.

Upstairs, Henri Thomas and Emmett had put a mixture of canola oil and grease on the floor in the hallway. When I whispered this new information to Bella she looked up to me confused.

"What on Earth for?" she asked.

Alice, Bella and I tiptoed upstairs. The grease and oil were practically invisible. I listened hard to what was going on. We sat down on the staircase waiting curiously.

Henri Thomas shouted something at Dmitri and Felix. Henri Thomas drifted across the floor not actually touching it so he wouldn't slip.

Emmett, little Alice, and Jasper peeked their heads out the doorframe to see the 'show' as they called it. George Karl and John Lawrence stuck their heads through the wall to watch.

Dmitri and Felix flew at Henri Thomas. They were very nearly blind with rage. Felix hit the grease and oil first but didn't slow down. He tried to use it as leverage. He flew across the floor. He barely hit the stairs ending his journey merely by crashing into the wall leaving a huge hole.

Dmitri did the smart thing. He tried to stop. Instead he spun around and flew across the floor and down the stairs backwards. When he was stopped by the wall the only thing that was stuck was his bum. He sat there in a daze for a few seconds leaning out of the wall slightly folded up like a napkin with his chest shoved against his thighs.

Bella, Alice, and I, too, were silent until we heard a booming laugh that belonged to Emmett. The three of us on the stairs started cackling too. Jasper and little Alice were on the ground shaking. So were George Karl and John.

Felix helped Dmitri get out of the wall. Emmett bounded down the stairs with a camera. He was grinning like a maniac. He took a picture of the hole that Dmitri's bum had made—it was _huge_—and then continued cackling. He snapped one of Felix covered in plaster.

"I'm going to put this in a scrapbook and am going to write the caption as: 'This is the size of Dmitri's butt'," Emmett said proudly.

Alice rolled down the stairs laughing. Bella sat in my lap shaking uncontrollably in silent laughter.

Felix and Dmitri ran off to report us to Caius and get cleaned up.

"That was pure magic," Jasper complimented Emmett and Henri Thomas who high fived one and other.

"Thank you," Emmett said proudly.

"But if you'll excuse us we have a schedule to keep," Henri Thomas said and the two of them rushed off.

"This is going to be interesting," I said looking as into my wife's beautiful golden eyes.

"Yes," she agreed. "Very."

**Okay I hope that was enjoyable. If you have any ideas PM me or put them in your reviews. I will update when I can. I'm also trying to get little Edward and little Alice in it more. I'll include them the best I can :)**

**(That is NOT the end.)**

**Major Grai.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: SM owns it all.**

**Thanks to the reviewers! And a special thanks to EdwardCullenBeMine for the suggestion. I changed the suggestion around a little so Edward2 and Alice2 to could be more involved in the story.**

**A quick little note on gifts****: little Alice can talk to animals and little Edward can see anyone's past. No exception with Bella. But he can only see the events. It's essentially the opposite of (original) Alice's gift.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

Chapter 7

I saw little Alice carrying shampoo bottles from the bathroom to the kitchen then from the kitchen to the bathroom again. I knew I should have done something but I was too curious to see what her and her twin were up to.

Bella looked at them with an amused look in her eyes. She turned to me and said, "We'll stop them before it gets too out of hand."

I smiled and nodded in agreement.

We were sitting in the living room with Helen, Harriet and Henri Thomas. Helen had finally released Aro but only after making him watch an episode of _Gossip Girl _after they had watched an episode and a half of_ The Hills_.

I could hear Caius and Aro making there into the living room. Carlisle and Esme walked in and sat next to Bella and I.

Harriet and Henri Thomas gave one and other a hard look. They shot a quick glance at Helen who was leafing through a magazine absent-mindedly.

Then they started to hum. It was an old, old song by Bob Dylan. They hummed a little louder and Helen started to sing the words of _Masters of War_ just as Aro and Caius walked in.

"Come you masters of war," she sung it without realizing. That was the plan. She was the only one who would sing it without any knowledge of it what so ever.

"You that build all the guns," she sung that as the Volturi bodyguards walked in. Oh, they had planned this perfectly.

"You that build the death planes," another member walked in.

"You that build the big bombs," Jane walked in. The genius thing was Helen had no idea she was singing.

"You that hide behind walls. You that hide behind desks.  I just want you to know. I can see through your masks," Helen noticed nothing but the Volturi gazed quizzically at her.

"You that never done nothin'.  But build to destroy," Helen then noticed something odd and looked up. She jumped when she saw that the Volturi was staring at her openly. Harriet and Henri Thomas cackled. Their plan had worked perfectly.

Little Alice and little Edward ran into the room. They sat down in between Esme, Carlisle and Bella and I.

Bella opened her mouth to speak but they shushed her. "No Mum. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the sparks," little Alice told us.

Everyone even the Volturi gave her a quizzical look. I knew there was no point arguing. I would just have to wait.

I heard thoughts of outrage coming from upstairs. I listened harder. _What the _hell_? What happened to my hair? Oh! I'll kill them!_

At that moment an infuriated Felix stormed in. He was still getting his towel rapped around himself so we all looked away. Until I noticed his hair. It was bright pink.

I leaned down and hissed to little Alice, "That had better not be permanent!"

"Of course not! It'll come out. In 10 to 20 washes," she added with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes and said, "You are free to use the shower until 7:30 then I'm kicking you out," I said it in my most polite tone but was trying my hardest not to laugh.

"All force necessary!" Emmett added excitedly as he and Henri Thomas walked in.

"Even if it means we have to sick George Karl and Catherine on you," Henri Thomas said happily. He was already planning on torturous ways on how to get Felix out of the shower.

George Karl was rolling his eyes until his twin mentioned him and he snapped his attention to Henri Thomas giving him a quizzical yet wary look.

"Why at 7:30?" Helen asked as a few of the Volturi members filed out. They were a little intimidated by Henri Thomas and Emmett.

"Because it's a group shower session," Emmett said smirking looking at Bella and I.

"Oh, Em it is not a—"

I cut her off. "Emmett stop imagining my wife naked!" I snarled sharply at him when images of Bella in- in _that way_ appeared in his mind

Rosalie showed up from what would seem out of nowhere and smacked him upside of the head. She hissed violently at him and went back upstairs.

Emmett looked a little repentant then hissed at me, "Did I do her justice?"

It was an obnoxious conversation but I couldn't help adding, "Not nearly enough."

Emmett started to imagine it again. "Emmett!" I snarled.

Rosalie came back down sat on Emmett's lap. She smacked him upside his head again.

"Ow! Rosie!"

I heard a shout of pure rage coming from upstairs. I sighed. No one needed to ask to know it had been a Volturi member who had shouted.

"Who did it this time?" I asked.

To my shock George Karl answered. "He was infuriating me and so I decided that it would be a good idea to put the marshmallows in the kitchen to good use," He answered in a calm voice.

"What'd you do?" Emmett asked.

"I microwaved the marshmallows and put them in his book," George Karl answered.

"Who's?" Henri Thomas was shocked by the fact that his brother had helped in the prank war.

"Caius's."

"Damn! Why didn't we think of that?" Emmett asked.

"Come on! No time. We're behind schedule," Henri Thomas said and the two rushed off to aggravate the Volturi.

I sighed. "The Volturi are gonna have a rough couple of days," I mused as I played with Bella's hair. "Uh-huh," was her only response.

**Again that is NOT the end. Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed it.**

**Major Grai**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: SM owns it all.**

**An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But would you eat an apple a day if that doctor were Carlisle? I think not! haha.**

**This is NOT the last chapter. But one of the last chapters. **

Chapter 8

I pulled Bella onto my lap. I started to hum her lullaby to her. She sighed happily.

"I wish moments like this would last forever," she said.

A loud crash echoed from upstairs. "And naturally they can't," I said as I groaned. Bella giggled and grabbed my hand.

Bella and I crept upstairs to see that Helen was sitting in a chair on top of a pile of vampires. But she was intent on her book and noticed nothing.

A few pebbles and a bit of dust fell on Helen from above. Bella and I looked up slowly to see a giant hole in the ceiling. I looked at Bella eyebrows raised.

I had to ask. "How do they come up with this stuff?"

Bella started to giggle as John Lawrence came in. He saw the mess and groaned. "Not again!" he moaned.

The vampires jumped up knocking an unaware Helen back into the wall.

They all stormed in opposite directions. Helen looked up from her book a few minutes after all the Volturi vampires had stormed off. She looked around and shrugged and got back to her book.

John started to fix the ceiling.

Bella and I laughed a little and walked downstairs and sat at the grand piano.

"Would you like me to play you something?" I asked her.

"Yes please," she answered softly. She leaned against my shoulder.

I started to play. But then I hit a key and no sound came out. I hit it again. No sound. I hit the key next to it. No sound. I t continued like that for the next five keys.

"What's wrong with it?" Bella asked and stood up.

I looked inside the piano. My brow was furrowed in confusion. In my piano there was a book. I sighed.

"Well that explains the fact that it makes no sound. But what's with the book?"

Bella shrugged. "Probably some prank," she said. She looked a little irritated. "When do you think they'll stop all this?"

"I have no idea," I said as I opened the book. I sighed. It was one of the Volturi guard members' journal.

"Should we return it?" Bella asked.

"No!" Emmett shouted from upstairs.

"I'll leave it on the piano," I mumbled and walked away. "Got any idea how they come up with this stuff?" I had to know.

"No clue," Bella answered flatly.

I pulled Bella upstairs to my room. She opened her mouth to say something but I shushed her. I could hear Aro, Caius and Carlisle talking.

We sat down on the bed and listened.

"I want no more of this!" Caius snapped. "I will be taking pranks like I would an assassination!"

"Carlisle my good friend. Caius simply does not find it as fascinating as I do that your ghosts enjoy playing games," Aro said trying not to offend Carlisle.

We listened as Carlisle assured them that there would be no more pranks played. But as he said that in his mind I could tell he had no idea how to stop them. He decided on a family meeting. Hoping that he could explain the importance of not bugging or pranking the Volturi.

"What is he gonna do to stop them?" Bella asked pulling me out of their thoughts. I looked at her for a few minutes. I pretended that I was trying to remember what she had said but I was really lost in her topaz eyes.

"Um…" I stuttered and kicked myself mentally. "He's going to have a family meeting. Then he's going to explain the importance of not irritating the Volturi."

"It probably won't work. The only thing that does is having Henri Thomas monitored 24/7," she said thoughtfully.

I laughed. "I'm guessing that at times like these you're glad you're not his mother."

"Oh, you have no idea," she said mumbled.

At that I heard a crash and shrieks coming from downstairs. I sighed.

Bella and I walked into the living room to see Harriet and Jane screaming at one and other. Helen was sitting in between the fight. There was another hole in the ceiling above her. I sighed again.

"Damn!" Emmett exclaimed as he and Henri Thomas ducked their heads through the ceiling to see how their trap had worked out.

"I don't understand. It worked perfectly the first time!" Henri Thomas said his tone sounded upset.

Helen looked up. She looked around, rolled her eyes and sighed. Then she got back to her book.

I held back a laugh. Jane and Harriet continued screaming at one and other. Jane ignoring the fact that Emmett and Henri Thomas had tried to drop an indifferent Helen on top of her was now yelling even louder.

Carlisle walked he glared sharply at everyone in the room.

"Dining room. Family meeting. Ghosts, too. Now!" Carlisle ordered.

I smiled and Bella and I walked into the dining room and sat down. We were the first to arrive.

Henri Thomas and Emmett were the last. Clearly fearing Carlisle's wrath.

**I hope that was a good chapter. Any suggestions or requests PM me or right them in your reviews**

**Again, that was NOT the last chapter.**

**Major Grai**

**p.s. someone asked me if I was a girl. Yes I am a girl haha.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: SM owns it all.**

**I wrote most of this in French class on cue cards when I should have been practicing my speech on Thomas More. And also in math class. We're doing circles and circomfrances. Is it just me or does that word sound like it's connected to some creepy prophecy? 'Cause that's what I think of. Ok on with the chapter!!**

**(A great quotation that I made up while thinking of prophecies and circomfrances:**

**Not the sparckliest vampire in the sunlight are we?)**

Chapter 9

I looked at the old antique clock again. We had been in the dining room for 2 and a half hours now. I looked down at Bella who was watching the rain come down then at Alice who was planning her next shopping spree in her head. I sighed. Again.

Harriet leaned over the table and slid some money to Helen. She took it happily. From their minds I could see that they had been betting on how many times I had sighed. I saw Jasper chuckle.

I decided to tune back into the conversation.

"You have no right," Carlisle was saying. "To doom all of us just for some silly unneeded pranks!"

"Oh come on!" Emmett moaned. We all knew Carlisle had won but Henri Thomas and Emmett were still fighting.

"No more! Do. You. Hear. Me?" Carlisle demanded. No one was really listening anymore. Not even Esme or Catherine.

Looked at the rest of the table. Luanne was looking at her features in a small hand mirror. Helen was watching a show on her portable DVD player as well as Jasper and Miley. George Karl was reading and the rest seemed to just be alone with their thoughts.

"Oh wait to suck the fun out of everything!" Henri Thomas grumbled.

"Pun intended?" Helen asked looking up from the screen as she said it.

"Intended," he answered quickly before turning back to Carlisle. "So how many people _have_ they killed?" he asked curiously.

Alice interrupted Carlisle by cackling and saying "Jazz sometimes you are _too_ evil!"

"Why what's he doing?" Carlisle was suddenly nervous.

I looked into his mind and rolled my eyes. I pulled Bella onto my lap and said, "He's making Aro think that he is in love with Caius."

The room exploded into laughter except for Esme, Carlisle and Catherine. They just shook their heads.

"Ok, ok. No more! I have had enough. They have killed hundreds Henri Thomas. I think it's for the best that you remember that," Carlisle said finally dismissing us.

We all got up to leave. "Rosalie?" Carlisle said.

Rosalie jumped up and dragged a very willing Emmett off to their bedroom for a 'chat' as Carlisle was hoping. Catherine got up and yanked an unwilling-to-move Henri Thomas off.

"How long do you think the silence will last?" I asked Bella as we sat on the couch in the living room.

"An hour maybe two. What about you?" she asked.

"Twenty minutes if we're lucky," I said in a joking tone. She smiled and laughed.

I started playing with her hair as she read.

I sat there happily with my Bella for around an hour.

But naturally the bliss was interrupted. I heard a voice using a fake Irish accent upstairs ranted I tuned in on time to hear, "Oh and tasted excellent!"

I walked upstairs to see Catherine leaning against the doorframe with her head in her hand. She was moaning. I turned to see Henri Thomas wearing very old clothing. Two Volturi guard members were standing a few feet away. They looked they were about to kill him.

"Too much Henri not enough Thomas," Catherine was mumbling.

Carlisle was upstairs in an instant. "What's going on?" he demanded.

"I'm playing pretend. Lord. Not the sparckliest vampire in the sunlight are we?" Henri Thomas answered.

I walked back downstairs as I heard Carlisle apologize to the Volturi.

"What happened?" Bella asked. Alice, Esme, little Alice and George Karl had joined her in the living room.

"Henri Thomas dressed up and acted like someone the Volturi killed around 220 years ago," I said as I sat down next to George Karl and Bella.

"Oh no! How upset were they?" Esme asked nervously.

"There were only two of them," I said shaking my head.

"I heard they are planning on cutting this visit short and leaving tomorrow," George Karl said without looking up from the book that he was reading.

"That would solve _everyone's_ problems," Alice said with a sigh.

"I don't think Aro has endured enough Helen yet," I said and chuckled.

"Maybe we can let her use that purple hair dye on him. I mean it would stop her from begging us to be her guinea pigs if she used it on him," little Alice suggested.

I laughed. "It's a good idea but I don't think she could," I sighed just thinking about how fast they'd leave.

"I don't know. Helen is extremely slim and sly. Not to mention she was a track and field champ when she was still living," George Karl said.

"I _told_ you not _everything_ she said to him went in one ear and out the other," little Alice said in an exasperated voice to Alice.

Alice just shrugged and said, "If we get it into her head do you think she'd do it?"

"Well you tell us. You _are_ the psychic," Bella said letting out a small giggle.

"Esme why do you keep shaking your head like that?" George Karl asked. I had forgotten she was there. I looked up at Esme she was thinking about our immaturity as she shook her head mechanically.

"I don't think you should embarrass Carlisle any more then you have already have," she said after she had sighed at our childish ways.

"But we won't be embarrassing Carlisle," my son said as he walked in. "We will be embarrassing the Volturi. He sat down at the piano.

"You heard what he said. This is not negotiable," Esme said sternly and with that she got up and walked away.

We sat there silently for a few minutes.

"We'll start hinting tonight," Alice said. There was a murmur of agreement.

I laughed and pulled Bella onto my lap as the talk turned to other things besides getting Helen to dye Aro of the Volturi's hair purple.

**That was NOT the last chapter. Second last I think…**

**On another note I have been considering writing a Twilight Battlestar Galactica crossover. I won't replace cylons with vampires if I do. And yes I am fully aware of how big a nerd I am.**

**Please review!**

**Major Grai**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: SM owns it all.**

Chapter 10

_I laughed and pulled Bella onto my lap as the talk turned to other things besides getting Helen to dye Aro of the Volturi's hair purple._

"Oh Bella I think you would look so horrible in purple," Alice said loudly so Helen would hear.

"I think that too, Alice," Bella said a little softer than Alice but with the same intentions. "But who would look nice in purple?"

"Hmm. Not Carlisle. None of the ghosts. Or the family. What about the Volturi?" little Alice piped up happily.

"Maybe, Alice," little Edward said pitching in.

"No what would be great?" Alice said happily she thought she was really getting the idea into Helen's head.

"You know you could just ask me to dye someone's hair purple and stop with the ridiculous hinting," Helen said as she looked up from her book.

"Aro," Alice said excitedly.

"Fine. I'll do your dirty work," Helen said with a groan.

"_I_ like to think of it as evil biding," Alice said proudly.

Helen left the room muttering, "Of course you do."

Bella laughed, "All that hinting for nothing!"

I smiled and sighed. "Bella would you like to go to our meadow?"

"No," Alice snapped before Bella could even open her mouth.

"Why not?" Bella demanded.

"Because you will miss all the fun!" Alice said before dancing away.

"I'm going to play the piano with Alice," little Edward said and walked out. Little Alice smiled and skipped off after her brother.

Bella and I followed. We sat down on the couch and started to relax.

"Oh, Aro, I was wondering if you wanted to hear about being a ghost," I heard Helen from upstairs. Bella giggled and chuckled.

"How long do you think it'll take?" she asked quietly.

"Not long," I replied.

Alice skipped in. She jumped on Jasper's lap and started to kiss him. Moments later Carlisle and Esme walked in. Both wore looks of sheer rage.

"What did I tell the family in the dining room?" Carlisle demanded. He didn't raise his voice but he still sounded deadly.

"Oh, Alice, cut that out! I know you can hear us!" Esme said to Alice who was pretending that they didn't exist so she could get on with her plan to get rid of the Volturi.

"Oh I'm sorry! I didn't see you there," Alice said in her most innocent voice.

Carlisle sighed and said, "Alice if the Volturi take this the wrong way—"

"They won't," Alice said confidently.

Suddenly there were shouts from upstairs. We all jumped. Carlisle was very nervous now. We all looked up to the ceiling.

"That's it! We are leaving!" I heard Caius roar from upstairs.

"Now?" one of the guards asked.

"Yes now! Don't talk to anyone! Just leave!"

The next ten minutes were a flurry of movement. The Volturi were rushing around avoiding us. The doors were slamming. We heard a window smash but when Alice shouted, "You'll have to come back and fix that!" no one else broke anything after that.

There was a loud silence that rang through the house. There was a soft pitter-pattering and Helen came into the living room. Her hands covered in purple hair dye.

"Too much?" she asked smiling.

Emmett and Jasper started to roar with laughter. Soon everyone except for Carlisle and Esme had joined in.

I sighed with satisfaction and pulled Bella on to my lap. "Well that was fun!"

She laughed and nodded her head in agreement.

"If they come back," Carlisle began.

"They won't," Alice said flatly. "They'll avoid us for at _least_ a century."

Esme shook her head. "I just wish you could have behaved," she said and chuckled softly.

Carlisle and Esme left to inspect the damage around the house. Alice and Jasper to their bedroom to… well do their thing. The twins went to get something to eat so Bella and I sat there in silence enjoying one and other.

"I think the rest of our existence might be a tad bit boringer after the past few days," Bella said smiling.

"As long as you're here I will never be bored. Just extremely happy," I said with a chuckle.

"I suppose when you live with people like Emmett and Henri Thomas life will never ever get boring," she mused quietly to herself. I laughed in agreement.

We both turned to watch the rainfall. I sighed in full contentment. I was looking forward to an existence without being bugged by the Volturi. To an existence with my love and family in peace, harmony and happiness. Well, as much as Emmett and Henri Thomas would allow us.

**Well that is it. I hope that was enjoyable. Please review.**

**And tell me what you think of a Twilight Battlestar Galactica crossover. For now I'll mostly be writing fluff and other useless whatnot.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Major Grai.**


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